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Post Info TOPIC: Long time EBay seller manifestos. Bye bye EBay.


Status: Offline
Posts: 10
Long time EBay seller manifestos. Bye bye EBay.

Up for Bid:

One Ebay Member ID, opened May, 1997.

ID boasts a healthy 3,250 positive individual feedbacks making for a feedback rating of 99.7%. (eBay does not count feedback from repeat buyers, even though those are the best kind.)

Having left well over 10,000 feedbacks, this ID is very experienced, and prides itself upon those very repeat buyers, which are the lifeblood of any good ID.

It started out life as an enthusiastic, healthy member ID, taking pride in its appearance and reputation, and experiencing joy and serendipity in it's dealings as both a buying and selling ID. None of this schizophrenic "I buy under one ID and sell under another ID and sometimes I diddle with both on the same auction" business.

It is proud of being an honorable ID, one that, as a seller, works to make it's winning bidders happy with their wins, and, as a buyer, to pay promptly when invoiced by fellow sellers.

A globe-trotting ID, with all the necessary shots, it boasts friendly  and personal feedbacks from nearly fifty different countries, and considers it has done nearly as much for global relations as any host of  ambassadors.

For many years, this ID was happy in its warm, comfortable, nurturing eBay environment,  but then it noticed it was becoming tired and out of breath trying to create listings. "It's just old age", the Member ID thought. "I'm not as fast or efficient as I once was." "My arm is sore. I wish this Mexican bidder would stop twisting it and threatening to leave negatives if I don't give her the same postage rate as someone in the USA."

It wearied of trying to outrun accusations of dishonesty by prank bidders. "What men are these," the ID wondered, "who would steal their closest kinfolks passwords and bid nilly willy on laptops they didn't really want? What hath the world come to? Nay, is it the End of Days? Or simply a Fool's Paradise online?"

Then the ID realized, it wasn't all old age. eBay was secretly contributing to the problem, like six pound ankle weights on a treadmill walker (the Member ID was very familiar with this form of torment). It seemed every day there was a Policy Change email lurking in the inbox, waiting to pounce like a crazed nonpaying snipe bidder.

"My head hurts!" moaned the ID. "The rules are changing so fast,I get dizzy".

"Take the Pill!" cried eBay. "Trust our diagnosis!  Our corporate doctor, while knowing little about the day to day operations of an actual eBay user, does know what's best for all Member IDs!!  He's not an auction participant, but he did play one on TV!"

But the honest little Member ID found the side effects only made things worse.  It began to question eBay's motives, worse, to doubt them.

Question upon trouble, trouble upon question began to burden the poor ID's wearisome thoughts, even intruding upon its sleep.

The Member ID even tried taking a six month cold-turkey holiday from eBay, but foolishly found itself lured back, like a hobby moth to the flame of virtual e-commerce.

So, now,  sadly, this ID finds itself in poor and declining eBay health lately. The relationship has become abusive, and unhealthily co-dependent.

In short, the Member ID finds that it needs to make a clean  break from it's owner, for both their sanity.

This Member ID has been diagnosed with the following malaise:

Advanced Non-Paying Bidder Syndrome: a cancer eating away at eBay

DSR Fluctuations: symptomatic of Advanced NPB Syndrome (see above), in which nonpaying bidders can leave malicious feedback and infect otherwise healthy cells, I mean, stars

Best-Match Palpitations: onset of sudden and unreasonable fear of being lost and never found in a formerly friendly environment

TurboListerrhoids: frequent cramping and bloating occuring during loads

Fee Ennui: Debilitating worry that fees are multiplying and spreading, and finding you no longer care

Bull-imia: The act of accepting absolute and utter bullcarp from eBay as Gospel, and trying to keep your feet out of it, while you wrap you mind around what sense it makes. Warning: This condition may cause confusion, disorientation, and irrational spurts of anger.

Altzliarheimers: Symptomatic of foreign wiseheimers demanding you to lie and put an alternate value on Customs forms.

Scams: Embarrassing condition involving others. Not to be confused with scabs, although equally ugly, bothersome and annoying when visible in public. Deemed necessary to hide, or at the very least, politic to ignore, by eBay.

Blockage: frequent necessity to block unwanted or unwelcome bidders, since Ebay won't operate to remove these dangers themselves. Avoid eBay Brown Bag Lunches at all cost, as these will only exascerbate symptoms.

Shillarrhea: When one's blood pressure rises upon suspicion of shilling. Often accompanied by Blurry Vision: seeing stars when one should see bidder IDs  when viewing a bid history

Fleas: Irritating condition in which ID's items are considered unworthy. All small IDs have them. eBay said so.

Quarantine: a mandatory 21 day isolation period for Paypal payments, at eBay's discretion

IDgestion: the gut wrenching, sickening feeling occuring upon logging in to eBay these days

This ID has been told it has four weeks to live, and should make arrangements for last rights on or near May 1st, at which time, life support, in the form of  Feedback reciprocation, will be removed, and negative bloodletting will begin.

There is no transfusion for this condition.

There is neither health insurance, nor customer service available, either, unless you count the standard eBay canned response: "Take two aspirin, clear your cookies, and don't call us in the morning."

This ID has been fully tested, and found to be devoid of any relatives,  small children, or pets. It is therefore guaranteed completely free from the infectuous, highly contagious problem that many other IDs suffer from: "my brother/toddler/dog placed the bid and didn't mean to".

It comes from a smoke-free household. It does, however, cause steam to escape involuntarily from the ears on occasion.

Winning bidder will win all rights to this ID. Seller will provide winner with password, after payment of winning bid, and after removing seller's personal information, and replacing it with winner's own information. We can complete this transaction via phone, or in person. Seller retains all rights to, and will erase the current About Me page, but will happily work with winning  bidder to create a replacement page.

Seller cannot, obviously, guarantee continued success, or profit of any kind, to buyer. Take at own risk. May cause irratibility and/or cramping. And gas. Do not use while operating machinery or size 4 font.


Top Poster

Status: Offline
Posts: 3757

Thanks for posting that.

I was able to get a screencapture of that classic before it got pulled



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Exposing the sleazery of ebaY and PayPal


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